A Good Cry...

What exactly defines a good cry? Is it the length of time one spends actually shedding tears? The idiotic face one makes and possibly stares at oneself in the mirror while making it just to witness the ridiculousness first hand? Is it the loud sobs, the uncontrollable gasping for breath, the puffy eyes the next morning? Or is it possibly based on the release one feels when one just lets everything go for that one moment (perhaps lasting a few hours) in hopes of feeling the most incredible sense of calm possible?

I don't know the answer. I just know that my body knows when I need a good cry and I've been feeling it bubbling up all week. I have that persistent lump in my throat threatening to erupt and have yet to feel the release.

The funny thing is, I have no idea why I'm so emotional. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot this past week and that may have something to do with it. There are days, even seven and a half years later, where I forget that she's no longer alive. To this day I remember our last phone conversation and still feel like it happened yesterday.

I feel my release may be imminent as my first tear just dropped with my last typed words. Perhaps I've just needed to get my thoughts down to let myself go to that place that always starts out very dark and at some mysterious moment turns almost cheerful.

Anyway, perhaps I'm more stressed than I'm letting on with the whole job situation. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm making the right decision as I cannot find the motivation to get up in the mornings to go to my hellish job anymore. But I fear everything I've worked to pay off in this last year may be kicking me in the butt again unless I find a job soon.

Let's see...I've also got mixed emotions about a dear friend in my life. Do I want more? Absolutely. Am I in love? No doubt in my mind. So why all the questions in my head all the time. Why can't my brain just shut off once in a while and let everything just take it's course. Maybe because I fear the course it may take is not the one I'm prepared for. When I've met someone absolutely perfect for me, how do I willingly let that go for now so that we both figure out and make sure the path we are on is right? When everything inside me is screaming go for it and yet one of my feet refuses to jump in again because I'm afraid of the pain, where does that leave me?

Time apart is a necessity. It'll let my brain do some real thinking as opposed to my heart doing all the talking. But I miss him already. And it's been less than a day. LOL, I'm laughing at myself...so if you feel the need to laugh at me as well, go ahead, I don't mind.

I feel like I've never been happier and things in my life couldn't be any better...and then there's also the feeling of being surrounded by nothing but chaos.

Gotta love life!