racketball

I just got beat...BAD! But I also have not played in a long time and look forward to getting better with regular practice. I'd forgotten just how much fun and what a great workout the sport it. Joey was definitely going easy on me...but I think if I got better at controlling my aim, I could beat him at some point. He told me I had great strength behind my shots...right now I'm just inconsistent not to mention my reflexes seem a little slow. If that was my workout daily, I would be excited to go to the gym regularly. Though I will admit, the gym is getting to be more fun, rather than just a chore. I think it's because i'm seeing improvement and there's really no better motivation than toning up, losing weight...basically seeing the fruits of your labor.

Dave is tomorrow. I'm beyond excited. Though I wish i'd won tickets :( Because then Joey would join, no matter how much he wasn't looking forward to it. I'm also wondering how different the concert will be from the last two years I've gone since a vital part of the 5-man band passed away earlier this week. Major sadness. I wonder how it will affect the band going forward. I guess only time will tell.

Must go eat some dinner...about to get cranky from lack of calories...

my own personal pity party...

what is my issue today? am I just tired? hormonal? why do I have a big lump in my throat that I feel will burst and spring a waterfall of tears any moment? I thought I was fine and then the whole way home I cried. why is that? I know I'm bored with and can't stand my job anymore. thank goodness it is temporary but it's getting harder to get up for work everyday. I know I should be grateful because it's paying the bills...but even that is a hard perspective to keep anymore. I know I've become bored since I screw around more than I work, at least it seems to be the case. I love all these people because they're like my second family...it will be hard not seeing them daily in a month, but man I am done. I don't even know what I'm doing next...but it can't be an office, 9-5 job. I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the patience. what else is on my mind? something just seems off. I've been ridiculously happy for months now and something about today just isn't fitting into that puzzle. and now I've got all kinds of fears popping into my head. I need to stop thinking. I gotta go turn on a movie and just pass out and hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. After all, I do have a three day weekend this week and Dave is on Saturday night. Why is it that I'm surrounded by so many people that love me, have the love of my life by my side...and tonight I feel completely alone. Weird. Ok, done blogging...at least on here. goodnight.

LeRoi Moore 1961-2008

Sadness when I received Jay's text last night...the saxophonist from DMB died from complications from an ATV accident he had back in June. Dave will not be the same without this extremely talented musician. I can't say much because I'm at work and don't want to get caught this early "not working," but I had to say that I'm truly saddened by the loss of one amazing musician.

I Lose :(

So, I passed out yesterday in front of my tv at 8:30pm...found my way to my own bed at 11:30pm...and completely forgot about my blog. Sadness. Not necessarily because I lost period...honestly, being a slave to my man for a day not the worst that could happen...but it's the fact that I lost so soon. I honestly told myself that this was gonna go on for months before either of us had something more important to do, say sleep, that would bring about victory for one individual and utter failure for the other. Dammit, my failure came sooner than expected. Oh well, I plan to continue this new found need to write a little something everyday...no matter how trivial.

Nothing much happened today...couldn't force myself out of bed because although I had A LOT of sleep, it wasn't restful since I passed out and then forced myself up to go to my room. I hit my snooze starting at 5:30am...and didn't stop til 7:15. Oh well. I don't know where I would be without my snooze button.

I've gone to the gym 2 days in a row...and didn't want to go either day so things are looking up in terms of my commitment. When I called in to 96.9 today to win tickets, I was caller 22 the first time and 20 the next. You need to be 25. Another dammit. I really want those Dave tickets without having to pay for them...which I'm more than willing to do but in my current financial state, would rather not. We'll see...I have three more days of trying. Wish me luck. I must go juice for me and my love. Goodnight everyone...cross your fingers for my Dave tix!

Books on Tape

My first book on tape...So I've started listening to "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert on my iPod. Her voice is very soothing and I'm loving it so far. But I don't believe I'm going to get as much out of it as when I read the book and highlighted/underlined words/passages that meant something to me at the time. Currently, a friend has my book borrowed and i look forward to getting it back just to see what things struck out at me at the moment in time when I read that book the first time. It's always amazing to me how different words affect me differently in books, inspire me in different ways, depending on the moment in time, the snapshot of my life, in which that particular book was read. For instance, each time I've read Siddhartha, which I'd count upwards of about 10, every experience of the book was new.

i had first leant my copy of "Eat, Pray, Love" to my acting coach when I was done. She had told me that certain things I had marked in one way or another made sense to her, while others she could not understand. I'm sure even when I go back to see what ideas struck me in my first read through (mind you, when I say first read through...I read over things that touched me several times), I may not understand certain highlighted portions either. A lot has changed since I first picked up the book. For anyone who has yet to read this incredible book, I highly recommend it. Not since Siddhartha has a book spoken to me in much the same way. I also love Tolle's 'finding your life's purpose," but it's not as easily readable as the first two I mention. I'm looking forward to see what ideas move me in hearing Elizabeth Gilbert read her words aloud herself.

I got even more excited about the book because we talked about living abroad tonight. I've always known that at some point I'd love to move back to Czech to get to know the country as an adult, and not just the few memories I have of my childhood. I want to experience it all again. Not to mention, the Czech economy is spectacular right now...I believe my ticket in will be teaching English. i want to have an experience like Gilbert's...spend time outside this country and just travel every so often and stay months in a country unknown and get to know it intimately. I love the discovery process into the little quirks that are unique to every place I visit. It's hard to get that in days, rather than the months I'd love to have for exploration. First things first...acting career that makes the above a little easier. Must go get some zzz's...goodnight.

AMAZING!!!...

Ok, she did it...she made me realize my assumptions of not having a good time were wrong and I've never been more moved by a performer live. She's somewhere in the neighborhood of 4' 11" and has the most powerful voice that you will ever hear. She sang many songs we recognized off of her albums as well as Journey's "Don't Stop Believin," Pat Benatar's hit (wow, the name just escaped me) and a few others. I said I would never have paid for tickets to a Martina McBride concert and I have completely changed my mind. I love her now more than ever before and I look forward to seeing her live again. She moved Jana to complete tears during her song "Concrete Angel." And then the most adorable thing happened, during her song "This Ones For the Girls," she brought her daughter Ava on stage and the daughter wasn't even fazed...she could not have been more than 3-4. The one thing I would love to know is what her beauty secret it. She's so freakin beautiful and the most amazing skin I've ever seen. She barely has any wrinkles and yet they are faintly there so you know it's not botox. Whatever it is, I want some!

Ok, I'm gonna go for a quick swim before Joey comes back from his only session today. I will write more later...I just wanted to say that I was completely wrong about the concert and I am so happy that I chose to go just to make sure. Jana and I had both wanted to back out...I'm glad neither one of us voiced it out loud until we were there and there was no going back...because we both would have been dumb.

Not to mention, Jack Ingram and the other opener (who's name has also escaped me) were great fun. I freakin LOVE the song "Love you" by Ingram.

Martina McBride

I'm going to the concert tonight. I'm not really excited because these tickets were given to us for free and I would never have gone otherwise. Perhaps it'll be more fun than I'm expecting and I'll be pleasantly surprised. There is also a dinner there for us that includes ribs...bleh. Jana's definitely excited about that part. I figured I'd get my blog out of the way in case I don't get a chance before midnight. I'm going strong, not gonna lose this battle of keyboard tapping that I have going on with Joey.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. We're housesitting and it'll be great having a place to ourselves for a few days. I'm also looking forward to reading lots and hopefully finding out good ideas for "survival jobs," the book I'm reading for ideas in LA. We're going out to look for places Sept. 18th and I know I'll feel better if I get out there with a job. Can't wait to see Allie...it's been almost 8 months since I've visited LA and that's completely unacceptable. This has been the longest stretch since I've moved back. I'm ready for some beach time...not to mention just getting away on a road trip.

BTW - almost got through to "press my concert luck" again...was caller 17 and then I hung up and got through again on the next try but they didn't pick up so they must have had their winner...I have a good feeling about winning Dave tix! I have a week left to try.

Pearl...and oh yeah, I'm 35

Tried a new sushi restaurant today...it was decent and they have a good happy hour. I think from 4-5 it's 50% off, 5-6 40% and 6-7 30%. The place was small and cute...not to mention we ran into the hostess from Blue Wasabi DC Ranch...which had closed down a long time ago and we hadn't seen her since then. She seemed to remember Jana well enough since she always knew when a new round of drinks was in order. I had a glass of Pinot. It was good..though honestly it smelled better than it had tasted. i've always wanted to do the Kevin Kline experiment from French Kiss where he had Meg Ryan sip some wine...then he had her smell things in bottles that had consisted of the things that grew around the vineyard where the grapes were grown...and after she'd smelled the bottles, she tasted specific things in her wine when she tried another sip. Anyway, this is kind of a blah blog...i just have to get something down and want to go to sleep. The name of the sushi place is Pearl...it's off of Drinkwater and 3rd Ave in South Scottsdale. Check it out...if nothing else, there are pictures of naked women dressed in nothing but pearls :)

Also, tried the Wii Fit for the first time tonight. Alison brought it over and to my surprise, the game told me my age was 35 based on my ability to balance. Fuck! I was older than Joey by 2 years...I gotta work on this. I can definitely see how the game is addictive. I've gotten really good at hitting soccer balls with my head and hula hooping...haven't tried much else.

Ok, must say goodnight...sorry for the boring post to any readers...I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Concert Press Your Luck

Damn, so I just got through to Mix 96.9 to try my luck at winning concert tickets to Dave on the 23rd. I've always had fairly good luck in getting through to radio stations for contests, so I should stop being so surprised when I hear the phone ringing instead of a busy dial tone. Nevertheless, I was excited.

I had one goal in mind...must get Dave tickets. It didn't matter to me what else I won because I was going to continue the game and hope the Whammies would stay away long enough for me to get the pair of tickets I wanted so badly. Their game is basically the old gameshow "Press Your Luck," except with tickets instead of vacations and large piles of money. Instead, I won Counting Crows/Maroon 5, Melissa Etheridge, Switchfoot, Santana and Journey. Mind you, I said I was going forward no matter what because there's only one pair of tickets I cared about. Well, on my sixth try...the Whammy hit. Dammit. I hadn't even thought of walking away with the tickets I'd won to sell them for enough money for Dave.

I'm determined, I will win by the concert (I know I'll buy tickets if it comes down to it but I'm hoping that won't be necessary). So, wish me luck...and keep the Whammies away. OH, and let me get through as the 25th caller again...that's kinda the most important part.

Hmm, a little sad...but I shall persevere!!!

Sunsets

I was on an hour and a half walk with my sister in the midst of one of the most beautiful sunsets I've seen in a while. I wish I wasn't lazy so that I'd post a picture of one of my favorite sunsets to date...will try to do so tomorrow. Not only does Tucson have phenomenal monsoons, the sunsets there are out of this world. I remember everything about the sunset I went to watch alone at Gate's Pass. I had Meggo's car because I had dropped her off at the airport and decided I needed some time in nature. So I set off on my adventure...I call it an adventure because I'm pretty sure I still didn't have a license at this point and had not been driving long. Not my smartest idea, but hey...the sunset I witnessed was worth the possibility of serious consequences. I must have taken at least 50 pictures with my brand new camera. I was never crazy about that camera so the pictures don't even do it justice...but at that very moment, I'd never felt more at peace and in complete awe of the world that surrounded me. I stayed there in complete silence for over 2 hours. I was mesmerized. I wrote in my journal but mostly I just sat there, watching as the sun slowly turned the sky shades of pinks and purples and oranges until it faded behind a mountain. I couldn't move for a while, and then the part of nature that drives me crazy made me realize I had tasty blood and would be eaten alive if I didn't move it along...what can I say, mosquitos love me.

Anyway, tonight's sunset reminded me of that calm. Of the beauty that so many take for granted. I'm thankful that I'm not that person. I treasure and am eternally grateful for such moments. Now I can go to sleep and hope my dreams can paint just as breathtaking a picture.

defensive driving school

if i ever have to repeat this stupid class ever again, it will be too soon. it wasn't as bad as it could be I suppose, since I did get to take it online...but the stupid computer had to read everything out loud and it took twice as long as it needed to.

There are so many things that I should do on a regular basis that I don't...check tire pressure, check my oil, windshield wiper fluid, etc, etc, etc. Although I truly hope I never get caught by photo radar again, because I'm completely against them...the course had some worthwile information. I now have to go pass a written test of 25 questions...hope I still remember all I learned by Wednesday...I have a feeling this is one of those "in one ear and out the other" situations... At least for the stuff you don't use regularly.

I'm beyond tired and am just grateful it's done. I got this speeding ticket back in March, on my way to hang out with Joey after work. Yep babe, I blame you. I could probably make this post a bit more interesting...but staring at a computer screen talking about traffic conditions and safety for just over 4 hours has completely made my brain go numb and all creativity has been lost for the time being. That is all.

Nut Milk

When I was in my Friends & Family class, the facilitator and I got on the discussion of eating raw and drinking nut milk. I'm a huge fan of almond milk. She had asked if I ever made my own, to which I replied "no, never even thought about it." She told me if I tried the recipe, I'd never go back to a store bought brand.

Today I decided take her advice. A week ago I'd ordered my nut milk bag, which is what you filter the blended concoction through to make the milk. I was skeptical and a little frightened to find out if I had wasted money in purchasing the bag and not to mention the nuts. I'm happy to report that Susan was correct. I will never again buy milk, when its just as easy, not to mention cost-effective and healthier to make my own.

This time I had tried it with Brazil nuts...Susan's favorite. I LOVED it. Had it over a bowl of cereal this morning and in my cup of coffee. I also had my mom try it and have been recruited to buy a lot of nuts and make her milk regularly as well.

So here is the recipe:

Two cups of raw nuts (your choice which nut...just make sure it is raw)
4 cups water
blender
nut milk bag (can order on amazon or just google "nut milk bag")

1. Soak nuts overnight in water
2. Empty the water from the nuts, place them into a blender.
3. Add 4 cups of fresh water. (not water used to soak them)
4. Blend until smooth, approx 2-3 minutes.
5. Pour through nut milk bag and wring it out as much as possible.
6. Voila, fresh milk that will last 3 days.

The proportion will always be 1 cup of soaked nuts to 2 cups of water in the blender. I promise if you try it, you won't go back. Tomorrow, I'm going to try hazelnuts. I'm so excited with my new discovery.

hit list

So, the casting director book I'm reading is fantastic! I'm going to create a hit list of casting directors I will be contacting the moment I move back to CA. I've decided to take notes and I will contact ten casting directors a week, until I run out of the ones I want to contact and then resend information every three months. I'm learning about the ones that don't mind drop offs and the ones that believe only agents should submit. I'm really getting excited. I feel that I am preparing myself in every way for the imminent move. Not only am I finally setting myself up to read all the books I've bought over the years, I'm also committed to getting in the best shape of my life.

Joey and I have a competition going on in that department as well...for motivation. The minimum we both have to work out is 3 hours a week (after that its up to the individual) and the first one to not make the commitment has to pay for both people to go rock climbing at the indoor rock gym. We've also joined LA Fitness together so keeping one another motivated should be pretty easy. Now, i just have to get good at racquetball so I can kick his ass, which he tells me is impossible. We'll see...

Now I'm going to put out to the universe that I just need to book a few acting gigs to make the money situation more manageable. I'm looking at getting into some "work from home" gigs so that I can move out there with a job that I can just supplement with part-time work. That way, i can make my own schedule and being available for auditions will not be a problem. If anyone has any suggestions, please send them my way!

Some other news, started watching The Tudors...AMAZING!! For anyone interesting in the complex life of Henry XIII, you'll love the show. Also, a big congrats to Allie's sister Cassandra...her baby girl was born today. I believe that is all my news for tonight.

stream of conscience

goisjghs;ogiwheongvodsighsodngdsoh
ndohgosdigjsodignsd g
sdgosndisdngosdigjsdogjs
glskgosngdlsigjnsodings
dsoginsgosidjgosdijs'd

Ok, this is cheating...but I fell asleep and need a post.

goodnight

So I think I technically lost because everything I am writing now is past the midnight post deadline. Nevertheless, I did get the gibberish to post just in the nick of time and I have Joey to thank for waking me up. He told me he'd sat and debated if he should wake me or just let me lose...and decided since the spirit of the competition is not to win but to encourage one another to write more, he obviously awoke me. I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm yawning between every word. Why am I so tired? I've always been the person who consistently needed 8 hours of sleep so I guess I shouldn't be surprised since 8 hour sleep has not been a regular thing in my life as of late.

Nothing too exciting happened today...it was nice having a Friday off though. I kept thinking it was Saturday. I'm happy I get two more days of my weekend. yay. More to come tomorrow...and I've learned my lesson, must write in the mornin so as not to forget. Yep, lesson noted. Dobrou noc.

Storms

After work today, Carol, Jana and I went walking on the canal. We walked from 40th Street to 16th Street and back...approximately 7.5 miles. I love the walk, wish I got the motivation to do it more often. There was a scary part where bees were flying around everywhere. I can't say with 100% certainty, but I think I'm fairly allergic to them because the last time I got stung, my foot was swollen for over a month. A nurse friend of mine told me the next time I get stung, i can go into cardiac arrest. Though I have yet to go to an allergist to see if that's true, I'd rather not find out the hard way. Because if I'm as allergic as it seems, I should have an epi-pen. When I have insurance again, this is a must do.

Anyway, not sure how I got on that tangent. The walk was beautiful. A little warm and humid, since 5pm is the hottest part of the day. Nevertheless, the heat was worth dealing with for the beauty that surrounded us. There is nothing I love more about AZ than the monsoon storms that roll through regularly. I must admit that I miss the ones in Tucson. Never before going to school at UofA was I completely fascinated and yet completely freaked by the sheer power of a thunderstorm. Granted, Tucson has no gutters so storms always made walking to campus interesting, tacking on about an hour for detours with the ridiculous flooding. Still, there's not a day I don't wish I could live there during monsoon season again just to experience mother nature at her best.

On our walk today, clouds were rolling in from every direction. Whenever I think about painting, which is really only a desire that strikes when I'm in nature, I wish I could actually draw and recreate the intense beauty of storm clouds...mind you, the only drawing I do is smiley faces because I stink...but I still dream of painting a storm rolling in. Clouds are menacing and yet bring with them rain, which to me has always signified a fresh start. There's nothing more peaceful that sitting at a coffee shop, writing in a journal, watching the rain. Rain reminds me that no matter how bad things get, the sun will always shine in the end...bringing with it a new light, a new perspective on any situation.

The one thing I don't enjoy is driving in the rain. Thankfully I was almost at Joey's before the storm began. A part of me just wants to go run outside in the rain. One other thing I've never done in the rain is kiss...there's something truly romantic about that. Not sure what it is...ok, that is all.

spring/summer cleanin

I very rarely get into moods to just clean out absolutely everything I have. Toss out things unused, box away crap that I seem to always believe will be useful in my future (though its also been sitting hidden for years on end), and feel replenished at the end of it all....hours upon hours later. I'm in such a mood now but it would require hours that I do not have before I want to go to sleep. Not to mention, I always want to clean but end up making a bigger mess in the process of reopening drawers unopened and going through a closet full of stuff unused all year round.

In the coming months, I plan to go through everything I own. And this time around, I will honestly get rid of everything I haven't touched in the last year. I want to move to LA with as little as possible and I don't want my mom to have to store the crap I seem to treasure...actually, I'm positive I get my hoarding from my mom, and thankfully I'm not even as bad as she is. It's amazing how much more organized and at peace I feel when everything in my life is "clean." My car is also on this list to tidy. I remember the days when my friends would give me rides and their cars always looked like they lived in them. I swore to myself i would never be "that" person...wouldn't you know it, I'm there. Thankfully I don't have food or anything that would stink it up, but seriously, it's a little ridiculous. I hate feeling like I need to apologize whenever I offer a ride to anyone.

So, one goal added to the list...get rid of a lot and clean. Somehow, everything in life seems to go a little smoother when I'm surrounded by cleanliness and order.

Oh, went to the courthouse today to get my speeding ticket (FUCK photo radar) from March extended one final time. I have two weeks to take class. I'm going to try the online course. It's supposed to take only 4 hours and definitely beats listening to some monotonous person talk about aggressive driving.

That is all for tonight.

I can't lose...

I probably wouldn't be writing right now if I didn't have a stake in writing daily. Joey and I are trying to find a way to encourage one another to write as often as possible. Given that this is something I actually have control over, I don't plan on losing. Especially since the stakes are so high. Slave for a day. Yep, gonna do my best to make sure I write every day.

So, what's been interesting...I went rock climbing at an indoor rock gym for the first time. I wasn't hooked right from the get go, but it did get more exciting with my second climb. Then I had challenges in front of me that I wanted to conquer and who doesn't enjoy a good challenge. So right now I am stuck on a 5.6. Its not great, but I really need to work on my grip strength in order to move forward. And the harness is NOT the most comfortable, nor the most flattering piece of equipment to have to wear. But in the end, it was more fun than I had expected and I am completely hooked. I have yet to try bouldering...perhaps next time.

Also, I went to see the Mummy movie tonight. Meh. I have to say I was disappointed. I love the first two. They were great fun and who doesn't love a good mummy movie. I missed Rachel Weisz. She brought something Maria Bello just doesn't have. The voice was all wrong. The innocence/naivety just wasn't there. The character was so adorable before...not to mention the chemistry between the original couple was more believable. Oh well, I'm glad I saw it. Though I have to say I hope this is the last...there is no need to continue. The plot, though it ran 2 hrs, seemed fast and incomplete. I recommend this be a rental, don't waste the arm it costs these days to go to the theater.

Lastly, I'm reading a great acting book interviewing casting directors. It's getting me really excited about the move. I've committed myself to reading/doing something for my career daily. Since the move is getting closer every day, I want to know that I'm as prepared as can be when I start the rounds in LA.

I'd say that's my paragraph for the night. Must shower from the rain storm and Joey's juicing so I must go drink the delicious green stuff. I can only hope that interesting stuff will come up daily so that my paragraphs are digestible...though honestly, I'm prepared to write complete crap to avoid a loss...and gain a slave :) Goodnight.

Choices...

So it's been a while since I've written an update for the few that read this. A lot has happened. Jana finally got her citizenship papers...though they were a month late for Italy, I'm just happy she's not considered illegal anymore :) Joey and I had our families meet and it went better than I could have even imagined...his mom thought we were already making a big announcement which was funny since we've only been dating four months now. Though I am very much looking forward to us moving to LA together...this whole driving 40 miles one way is hard. Sadie's getting better everyday. Her stones have decreased tremendously and as long as there are no complications with her passing them, she should be completely back to normal in six weeks time.

Anyway, what this post is mostly about is my recent class I started again with Jana for Friends & Family. This six months is about Choices and it could not have come at a more appropriate time. Its all about the choices we make, the how and the why and getting in the mindset of making good choices. There are so many things that stuck with me from the weekend. One is making choices out of faith and not fear. Favorite quote from the weekend..."if the grass is greener on the other side, get off your lazy ass and water your own lawn." The choice I've been putting off for three solid years now is my move back to LA. As much as I talk about it and get excited over it, the actual move scares the shit out of me. I suppose this has to do with the fact that it's me facing my fear of failing dead on. If I always have it out there, as a possibility, then I never have to face moving there and realizing that my career may not ever get to where I want it to go. i know its dumb, but its amazing how the mind can rationalize dumb thoughts. I know no matter what happens, I'm meant to find a career choice in entertainment because I'm fascinated by the industry. I also know there is no other option than LA for me. I just want this move to be permanent this time around and finances are not in my favor. I finally made a budget. Ok, so it's not completely finished but it does give me a starting point. All the choices I am now making have everything to do with being back in CA by year's end. I've missed it since I've left and I have a million people telling me they'll help. I just have to reach out and accept that. Contact the people they know. Perhaps crash on someone's couch for a while. Most importantly, just get out there and do my thing. I've never felt more at home than in CA. The beach, the atmosphere, the restaurants, the people, the dream. I can't wait to see my friends again. And I look forward to all the new adventures awaiting me.

Joey and i are going to drive out in the next month and decide on places we'd like to find an apartment. All I know is, Canoga Park is definitely OFF the list.

I have more to share from the weekend, but it's mostly written in my journal and I don't want to wake Joey by going to get it. Choices. Yep, I have a lot to make to make sure I'm living the life that I want. I've taken steps towards my career in AZ. For that I am very proud. Next step, moving back to CA. The possibilities are endless.