Opinions...

You know, some people just really tick me off with their opinions. I'm not saying they're not entitled to them, but perhaps a little more research needs to go in for them to say what they say. I had such an instance today. I'm still a bit riled. Not gonna get into details, just gonna say this...make sure you have something with which to back your opinion. And when you feel the need to criticize, you may want to ask yourself exactly what it is you do to help the situation.

There, that is all.

one for the record books...

If only I had a digital camera so I could take a picture of my face right now, everyone would agree that what has happened to my mouth over the last 24 hours is one for the record books. And by that, I mean that my lips have morphed completely into a giant cold sore. I know, gross. And there are normally only three reasons I ever get one: (1) making out too much, (2) chapped lips, or (3) stress. Since none of those provide me with any insight into my current dilemma, I guess there is a yet to be determined fourth reason.

Mike asked me tonight if it was because I was making out with someone all night. Yeah, I wish that was it. Then I would at least have a GOOD reason for the misery I am in. I can only imagine what I will look like tomorrow as I can tell they are not done growing.

My lips look like I should get my money back from a collagen injection gone awry. It's not pretty. And one of the reasons I would like to mark this moment in history with a picture is so that I can be grateful 99% of the year when my lips are as they should be!! I guess I will just have to remember it without the actual proof...which I am sure will not be too difficult.

Not a bad night at work though, despite the fact that my lips are something out of a horror movie. Disappointment struck early as I was expecting the workplace to be covered in sand as I walked in (apparently it caused clogged drains last year so they x-ed the idea.) Nevertheless, redemption came as many coworkers, not to mention customers, walked around sans t-shirts. Have I mentioned I have an amazing job. Funny story, finally got the confirmation I was looking for that the bartender whose arms I attempted to lick in a drunken stupor some two and a half years ago, still works with me. I had an inkling it was him but not until I saw his arms and tat today was I 100% positive. I got a great view of Mike's ass all night (seriously, another record breaker: best one I've ever seen!). Got caught in the crossfire of many waterfights. Jeff gave me two water pistols of my own; however, they did not compare to the supersoakers everyone else seemed to be packing so I was in trouble everytime I used mine (which shot only about ten feet in front of me and my enemies were able to target me across the room...or from the rooftop!) When Mike came over towards the end of the night to chat, I'd asked where his gun was...he proceeded to flex and ask if I was talking about those guns. It was hilarious and something right out of a ridiculous movie...but that image, of his perfectly sculpted body, shall put me to bed tonight. Let me take a moment to breathe. Ok...I LOVE MY JOB!! I've never before looked forward to going to work so much.

Now if only my mouth returned back to normal so I no longer feel like Frankenstein!

a short note on PDA...

I'm all about it. Hold hands. Spank butts. Throw an arm around her. Kiss til you gotta come up for air. Show the world you're together. Fantastic. Wonderful. BUT...when I feel that I should be paying for a show, that's when it's time to take it to a hotel room or go home.

There's many benefits to the job I currently have. I've never been happier. But I don't pay for shows nor am I interested in getting free ones...so please, learn the difference between appropriate and not so much.

That is all.

Oh, apparently it pays (literally) to make friends with a beautiful girl that claims to be your sister and sends customers over by telling them it's my birthday...for how slow we were, tonight was a good night. Bills will be thankful.

spirits lifted...

nothing soothes the wandering mind like Robert Frost

Acceptance:
When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least, must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, "Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be."

The Silken Tent:
She is as in a field a silken tent
At midday when a sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And it's supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To everything on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightest bondage made aware.

Everyone who knows me knows that Birches and The Road Not Taken are about my two favorites ever written...so I thought to share some new ones I have fallen in love with. It really doesn't get better than Frost. "One could do worst than be a swinger of birches." Sometimes I think I just make life too complicated...Frost brings me back to the importance of simplicity.

fingers crossed...

that a second job will be unnecassary. this past weekend was a good weekend with tips and I'm hoping this coming weekend will prove even better, since we are open Sunday for a beach party. that will be interesting. working for tips in a bikini. not to mention all the eye-candy at work not wearing shirts the whole night. may just turn out to be the best beach party I've ever been to, even if I do have to work. anyway, between the job getting busier and watching jackson...not to mention acting jobs I will land, I'm thinking the second job thing is on hold. that makes me happy. let's just hope all my bills get paid on time.

I've submitted for about 6 different gigs myself this week. it's good to feel productive. not to mention I had an amazing session with Debby. I really feel with her as my coach and all I'm learning with what I do wrong and right on camera, my first paid gig-that's not extra work-is around the corner.

this blog is pretty pointless but I can't sleep so decided to put some thoughts down. and my hand hurts from writing too much on paper last night so the keyboard was my only option.

random thought...so, if I win the lottery tomorrow...my first purchase will be a Prius, then a new laptop, and a vacation for me and friends. italy's getting closer by the day. ;) then I'm movin straight back to Cali. I've been listening a lot to music that reminds me of living there, stuff I played over and over in my car. namely Antigone Rising. one of the top cd's that kept me sane on the 101 daily commute. given that I'm just rambling now, I shall go continue to read. currently reading "are men necessary: when sexes collide" by Maureen Dowd. verying interesting so far. hope it continues to be so.

dobrou noc.

It's destiny.....or not

Ok, I don't really have a good title for what I'm about to write, but that's my favorite line in Music & Lyrics and it needed to be written! Watched it tonight at the JAK cave and missed quite a few lines as laughter would erupt often. I've been told that I have a tragic laugh (more loud and obnoxious than anything...and yet contagious, or so I've been told). Then there's Kelly's laugh. There are no words to describe it. It's Kelly. And her fantabulous personality. I couldn't imagine her with a different laugh...not to mention that I found out today that she is incapable of whispering. No joke. How funny is that?! It had been way too long since I'd visited that house and seen my butt-humping best friend...but we shall make up for it as much as possible. At least for the next six weeks. At least the awkwardness won't be there for that long so it makes me feel more welcome. I wish the awkwardness didn't exist at all. And really, it shouldn't. But put some adults in a room that have a not-so-pleasant history and I guess there's really not much one can do. So I shall enjoy it while it lasts.

I have a lot on my mind tonight. Most will be written in my journal as I don't wish to get too personal on a page that any stranger can read. But I figured I'd get some stuff out as I type faster than I write, thus making my jumbled brain easier to keep up with. I haven't made the best decisions in the last couple weeks. Not horrible. Just not me. And now I feel bad as I think I'm sending messages I shouldn't be sending when I'm just not there. Emotionally. Mentally. Or physically. Not to mention some of this has to do with a friend I do not want to lose. I've been officially single for about two months now (and I say "officially" only because it's when I finally stopped being emotionally attached to someone that was not right for me...but really I've been single for the better part of a year now). Anyway, not the point. My point is that I don't want a relationship right now. And yet the universe keeps sending men into my life. Not to mention I've started a job where meeting men has become easier than ever. But it's not what I want. I thought I did. I was wrong. That's happened once or twice ;)

What I want in my life right now no one can give me besides myself. I'm working on me. And it gets way too complicated when someone else is around all the time. I lose focus on what's important to me. I've only been lucky in love once. I miss him dearly. He's moved away. Even farther than before. We continue to be great friends but it's harder with a body of water separating us. I know I'll have it again someday. The kind of love that makes my heart sing. Where I wake up feeling whole instead of empty. Where the questions in my head are quiet. With someone who knows how I like my coffee. And most importantly someone comfortable in their own skin...there's nothing sexier. A man who has goals, aspirations, dreams...and goes after them. But at this very moment, I'm ok knowing I'm happy alone. In fact, I cherish the thought. It won't last forever and then I'll have hopefully done everything I want to do as a single. Yep, singlehood agrees with me. It's drama-free. And it's allowed for some deep exploration. Sometimes scary. But in the end beneficial for any relationship I will have in the future, romantic and otherwise.

Ok, will go journal now...btw, off topic--I'm feeling 100% better after just one day of eating macro. Yay!

back to Macro...

yep, getting back to the macrobiotic diet. I haven't kept up my commitment to veganism and my system is making me pay. but I have found that my excuses go away when I reread the philosophy and reasons behind a macro diet. the idea of chewing your food bringing you closer to yourself and nature. And really, it's a diet based in veganism b/c animal food does not get easily balanced...and that's what the whole diet is about, balancing out the yin/yangs in food. I know it sounds weird, but I have this great book, "The hip chicks guide to macrobiotics," and it all really makes sense. What I love about the author is that she encourages continued research into the yin/yang concepts and reading others words on macrobiotics rather than just promoting her own views.

btw, starting jump roping as I get back into shape and let me tell ya, it's not like getting back on a bike after a twenty year absence. I suck! But it's getting better. I just never thought it would be so hard to get back to being good at it. And I'm not even talking about tricks. I'm just talking about holding a rope in my hands, bringing it over my head, and hopefully jumping over it. Yeah, sounds easy. But try it again if you've had a long absence like myself. The last time I regularly jumped rope was in elementary school. we'll see how it continues on. but at least I'm having fun and giving my neighbors something to laugh about.

gotta go get ready for class. still have yet to prepare a commercial I was given last week...but to my credit, I finished another two books...so I haven't exactly been slacking. If anyone has a book recommendation, let me know. I still have a lot to get through but I'm always open to find new fiction.

The Ocho!! (Table 8)

Last night held one of the best weddings I have ever had the privilege of attending. Congrats to Don and Susan Brahs! ;) I love you guys. And you most definitely know how to throw a wedding.

I have to give a shout out to my table...table 8...or as we came to call ourselves "The Ocho." Yes, we did steal that from Dodgeball. But it was very appropriate. We were the table that most conservative people would hope was not invited. The entertainers. The dancers. And most importantly, the drinkers. I was pretty tipsy by the end of the night and laughing like an idiot. Jana fell once. And I believe when they develop all the disposable cameras, they will find that our table stole most of them and took way too many pictures of ourselves. I'm sure some of those will be regrets. Funny to know that Suz's dad commented on the fact that he liked the "end of the night dancing b/c [her] friends really know how to dance." Good times.

The speeches were heartwarming. There were only four...the brother of the groom, the sister of the bride, Jana, since she introduced the lucky couple and Suz's dad welcoming Don into the family. The events of the evening and the obvious love in the air made me realize the reason I am still single is because I am holding out until I find a love like theirs. There are no two people I know that compliment one another as well as Suz and Don. I was lucky to be a part of the happy day. And thankfully I also know that Suz had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her prince. Yep, there's hope ;) (cuz the cheeks deeg it...lol, that one's for you Suz!)

I'm not one who usually cries at weddings. And yet the moment I saw Don walking down the aisle, the tears welled up. By the time the gorgeous bride came down, I was most definitely regretting not having any tissues with me. It was a simple ceremony. Intimate. Perfect. Beautiful. Exactly what I want someday...except mine will take place barefoot on the beach.

Again, congrats you two. Wishing you a lifetime of laughter, happiness, and love. Have a fantastic time in Hawaii!

So, I'm thinking...

I'm gonna have to get a secondary job. Which sucks! I absolutely love what I do right now...but it's not gonna cut it when it comes to bills that need to get paid. That makes me a little sad.

Tonight was amazing. I got serenaded by a man who actually played Roger in Rent on Broadway! What could be better?! Met some really great people tonight...too bad they are leaving to go back to Portland in a week. Favorite part of the night comes about 1am when the people watching starts to get interesting. Women crying when they're drunk. People holding one another up for balance. The slurred speech. For a sober person looking on, all I can say is it will make for some great character work in my future. If I'm ever to play drunk, that is. Or perhaps just need funny mannerisms. I even got my hand kissed 3 times...lol. It's definitely the place to be to boost my self-esteem!

Met someone tonight. Not the place I envision finding someone. But, he's really cool. Had a lot to talk about. Which may explain why the tip and sales situation wasn't so hot. Perhaps I need to stop talking to people for such extended periods of time. But that's hard to do sometimes. Hmm.

Ok, think I'm done mumbling as my body is telling me to go to bed. Oh, the callback went ok. I've put in the universe that I'm going to get it. I hope the universe responds ;)

My first callback!!!

I'm ridiculously excited. And it's for a SAG commercial. Wahoo!! So, I'm putting in the universe that I'm going to land this thing. Not to mention if I do that palm reader was pretty incredible!

This is some good news in a week that has sucked horribly! I caught some sort of bug on Tuesday and it's kicking my ass. I hate not feeling well. Especially since I am supposed to be out tonight at a bachelorette party. Instead I sit here at home, alone and celebrate the news...can't even have a drink b/c my body would protest. Awe well, a celebratory toast shall be shared soon enough. Here's hoping this thing leaves me alone soon. I'm done with it. And I've got a busy, fun weekend ahead.

Anyway, that is all. I'm going to go and try to put some food in my hungry belly.

LOVE my job!

It's 3am so I'm going to keep this short...as I need to get to bed. But I just wanted to emphasize how much I'm going to love my new job. Tonight was fairly slow and I couldn't get an annoying group of Eastern European men away from me...but overall it was ridiculously fun and met some great people.

Really no better place to people watch. The most interesting man tonight was this old tall skinny guy dressed in tight black jeans with this loud top that was doing the robot on the dance floor. Kept me entertained throughout most of the night.

Ok, must get some sleep as I'm sure tomorrow night is going to be crazy and I'll need all the energy I can get. I work with some amazing people. Yay!

Sometimes you just know...

People come and go from our lives. I'm a fairly extroverted individual so I meet new people literally on a daily basis. I have no troubles telling a stranger hello. In fact, I thrive on the connection and the fascination of getting to know someone new. But I CONNECT with very few people. I mean, the kind of connection where you know this person will be around for awhile...and if you're lucky, forever. Even more rare are the connections where you feel you've known an individual all your life after having had just one conversation, because you realize that this person carries with them a part of your soul, if you will. Yeah, sounds corny and all...but I've experienced it, so I believe it actually happens.

I don't want to even imagine what life was like without Sedona in it. We met under horrible circumstances, which apparently had a reason for existing. Tonight, she and I concluded the celebrations for my birthday. That's right, the festivities have finally come to an end. And what an ending it was. Dinner at Mandala Tea Room (yes, I can't get enough of the place), sharing stories of past mistakes, future hopes, the men that were, the men that will be, raising a man, achievements to come, and all included laughter. If there is one person that can take me from being happy and smiling to hysterically laughing in record time, Sedona would be the one. And then she treated me to a palm reading. Not too many surprises there, though lots of details that freaked me out and excited me all at the same time. I won't go into too much detail b/c it's personal to me, but how much detail was given and how it compared to a reading I had in my past blew me away. Just one example was that I was still mourning someone I had lost a while back who had given me a ring. How incredible since I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately and her last gift to me was a ring while we visited in '94. Yep, got into details of my career and the dreams that will be a reality (supposedly going to land a commercial soon.) Enough with the details, found out about future love, obstacles, trips, and an imminent move. My future is looking fabulous indeed.

Sedona, I'm not even sure you read my blog. But thank you for the fantastic night. I don't know what life was like without you and frankly I don't want to remember it.

Here's the note I'm ending on tonight...from Michael Shurtleff's "Audition"...

"I've always thought it's better to give up sanity. Settle down and admit you're crazy or you wouldn't want to act. When you find out what acting is like and what the odds are, and you still persist, the proof of your own insanity is inescapable. Accept it. Most actors make themselves unhappy by searching for sanity, by insisting on their normalcy; it's a grave mistake. The life of an actor is a bit easier to take if you admit you're bonkers."

Yep, with people like Sedona around to support me in my pursuit of insanity, I find strength in knowing it will work out...and according to more than one source, sooner rather than later. And every fiber of my being believes it to be so. Hollywood should prepare!