So much on my mind...

Just got back from a fabulous roadtrip to CA. Even though it's the longest I've stayed since I've moved back, it was still too short a time. Saw friends that I miss dearly. Got some career advice from old coworkers. Though the weather was uncooperative most of the week, I did make it out to Zuma Beach one day. All in all, very successful trip. Gave me a lot to think about...which is good and bad, lol.

Namely, I realize just where I need to focus my time...finding a way to move back by year's end. I know I'll miss my family and friends when I'm gone again, but not living in CA is becoming unacceptable now. I belong there. Whether I move alone or with friends, it needs to happen ASAP!!

Hah, the security guard at CBS Studios still remembers me and said he's looking forward to me moving back. Funny how a smile daily can leave an impression.

My career is my focus. Not that I'm putting everything else on the back burner...but having gone to CA for a week makes me realize that my focus has wavered and now it is renewed. I feel revived. Excited. Refreshed. Revitalized. I feel like me again. I realize this feeling has a way of going away rather quickly if I let it...my goal is to not allow that to happen. I know what I want. I want to live in LA. I want a film career. I want to surround myself with people chasing their own dreams. I want to surround myself with only those that support me in my vision.

I have other things on my mind as well...some conclusions I've come to when it comes to men, relationships, working out, and a lot more...however, running late and must get going...will continue thoughts at a later time.

Going for a wardrobe fitting...though it is to be an extra, I figure may as well get in the casting director's good graces and see how a big production gets run.

Road Trip!!!

In my vitality class this past weekend, we were supposed to set a reward for when we reach some of our goals...mine was a road trip to LA. Hah, I'm rewarding myself early. I figure, I've really taken in what was said to me when I shared. When I've cacooned myself away from the world and completely disconnected, it's because I realize that I'm focusing on stuff in my life completely out of my control. I've been doing that a lot in the last two months. And the payoff has been sadness and misery.

So, now that I've gotten that through my thick skull and realize that focusing on stuff I can control...my move back to LA, preparing for auditions, exercising, surrounding myself with positive support...I figure I owe myself a trip to the beach. I may not have reached goals I've set yet, but baby steps are happening. Time waits for no one...I'm doing something and that counts!

It will also be a trip to assess what needs to happen to make my move back a reality. Gotta find out what is being cast and submit myself on jobs. I have a great feeling about the whole situation.

Yep, I'm back on track. And I'm so excited to see friends I haven't seen in some time. Nothing better to revitalize than some ocean air (wahoo, Zuma beach), friends, a journal, coffee bean, and Samuel French.

Absolutely cannot wait ;)

I believe in signs...

Ok, so today has been a blessing and a curse. I had finally gotten a job as a hostess and orientation was supposed to be tomorrow. Well, I received an audition call during the same time as my orientation and tried to reschedule the orientation. They wouldn't let me so I had to let the job go.

I hesitated in taking the job in the first place so I believe this may just be a sign that I should have gone with my intuition.

Another sign today...I awoke to the song "it's not over" by Daughtry. Is that a sign for another one of the questions in my head. I had actually been having a wonderful dream at the time of my wake up call. Lying in someone's arms as the sound of waves crashing was in the background. I remember the room perfectly...very airy and light. The balcony doors open to let the ocean breeze in. A huge bed with tons of fluffy pillows and the man of my dreams lying in the middle. Hah, when I woke up all I could think about was wanting to do the steamroller in such luxury.

I don't know what to think about it all...but I believe in signs and that everything happens for a reason. So no matter what happens, it's what is meant to be.

Now I'm putting in the universe that I am going to land this audition tomorrow ;)

That is all!

Missing LA...

I miss Zuma Beach!!!

Yep, I would get up in the morning and basically pack only the necessities to move back to LA in an instant. There's so much I miss about my life there...being surrounded by people chasing dreams. The ocean. My friends. Koji's on Tuesdays. Have I mentioned the ocean. There's no place on this earth I find solace like I do sitting on the beach late at night by myself listening to the waves crash in. I believe those were also the last times that I went star gazing. I miss the drives through Laurel Canyon and Topanga Canyon. I miss regular access to a Coffee Bean. I plan to buy a year pass to Disneyland this time around.

I don't miss the traffic...or the money problems. And I know how much I'm taking for granted right now that I live with my family because I miss them ridiculously when I don't live here. I also miss the mountains that I no longer hike on a regular basis. And I miss the friends I have here.

But I can tell you this much...if I come across some large sum of money, be it lottery winnings or b/c some relative I never knew I had leaves it to me in a will...I'm going to Italy for a vacation and the moment I come back I'm moving to CA.

If the above doesn't happen, I have set myself a definite deadline. By the end of February 2008, I will be living there once again. I'm hoping for the fall of this year, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for my move back. Whether the move back is with friends or by myself, I plan to make this one a permanent move. So I better start landing some auditions and actually start working again...lol. Now I need to get to bed b/c I have a long, busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

Rainy Days...

Fresh opportunities are on the horizon
rain drops clear the haze
as the sun's rays poke through
what am I giving up
sitting here in a gloomy daze
when sunshine wants a chance
to light up each day anew
leave the past behind
today is a brand new day
start with a blank canvas
and paint a colorful masterpiece.


some new quotes I love:
"every exit is an entry somewhere else"
"we go on because it is the hard thing to do. And we owe ourselves the difficulty"
"there is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk"
"each of us has the opportunity to change and grow until our very last breath. Happy creating"
"clear your mind of 'can't'"
"take the time to understand what is behind your success. It's the best way to ensure it will continue"

What I've learned...

It's one 'o' clock in the morning and I guess I should say the first thing I've learned is NOT to drink an add shot soy latte at 9pm because sleep at a decent hour becomes next to impossible. Sitting in a movie theater that is only occupied by three people is much preferred to a crowded one. When you fail, the only option is trying again. Just because someone hurts you doesn't give you the right to hurt back. The cure for confusion is a journal. Self-medicating with a pint of ice cream is not always the best answer. Everything really does happen for a reason. I believe in signs. Losing love is better than not having experienced love at all. Laughter really is the best medicine. Just because you're awake does not mean your brain is functioning properly...in short, I can't think of more to write so I shall continue another time.