Ok, I don't really have a good title for what I'm about to write, but that's my favorite line in Music & Lyrics and it needed to be written! Watched it tonight at the JAK cave and missed quite a few lines as laughter would erupt often. I've been told that I have a tragic laugh (more loud and obnoxious than anything...and yet contagious, or so I've been told). Then there's Kelly's laugh. There are no words to describe it. It's Kelly. And her fantabulous personality. I couldn't imagine her with a different laugh...not to mention that I found out today that she is incapable of whispering. No joke. How funny is that?! It had been way too long since I'd visited that house and seen my butt-humping best friend...but we shall make up for it as much as possible. At least for the next six weeks. At least the awkwardness won't be there for that long so it makes me feel more welcome. I wish the awkwardness didn't exist at all. And really, it shouldn't. But put some adults in a room that have a not-so-pleasant history and I guess there's really not much one can do. So I shall enjoy it while it lasts.
I have a lot on my mind tonight. Most will be written in my journal as I don't wish to get too personal on a page that any stranger can read. But I figured I'd get some stuff out as I type faster than I write, thus making my jumbled brain easier to keep up with. I haven't made the best decisions in the last couple weeks. Not horrible. Just not me. And now I feel bad as I think I'm sending messages I shouldn't be sending when I'm just not there. Emotionally. Mentally. Or physically. Not to mention some of this has to do with a friend I do not want to lose. I've been officially single for about two months now (and I say "officially" only because it's when I finally stopped being emotionally attached to someone that was not right for me...but really I've been single for the better part of a year now). Anyway, not the point. My point is that I don't want a relationship right now. And yet the universe keeps sending men into my life. Not to mention I've started a job where meeting men has become easier than ever. But it's not what I want. I thought I did. I was wrong. That's happened once or twice ;)
What I want in my life right now no one can give me besides myself. I'm working on me. And it gets way too complicated when someone else is around all the time. I lose focus on what's important to me. I've only been lucky in love once. I miss him dearly. He's moved away. Even farther than before. We continue to be great friends but it's harder with a body of water separating us. I know I'll have it again someday. The kind of love that makes my heart sing. Where I wake up feeling whole instead of empty. Where the questions in my head are quiet. With someone who knows how I like my coffee. And most importantly someone comfortable in their own skin...there's nothing sexier. A man who has goals, aspirations, dreams...and goes after them. But at this very moment, I'm ok knowing I'm happy alone. In fact, I cherish the thought. It won't last forever and then I'll have hopefully done everything I want to do as a single. Yep, singlehood agrees with me. It's drama-free. And it's allowed for some deep exploration. Sometimes scary. But in the end beneficial for any relationship I will have in the future, romantic and otherwise.
Ok, will go journal now...btw, off topic--I'm feeling 100% better after just one day of eating macro. Yay!
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