Torn...

In more ways than one. First of all, I'm getting really antsy living in Phoenix. I know it's a good place for me in my current situation (at least for now), and yet all I can think about is how I want to be anywhere but here. I'm currently reading a wonderful book entitled, "Eat, Pray, Love." It's really making me think about how great it would be to go live abroad for a year or so. It's a non-fiction about a thirty-four year old woman who lives abroad for a year, visiting three countries for four months each. It's a tale that takes place in Italy, India and Indonesia. A woman's search for pleasure, devotion, and above all else to find herself again after some tumultuous years full of heartache. Granted, I haven't had it too rough...but I have been on a path of self-discovery and it would be amazing to be able to do so on a solo trip that may be more difficult to take later in life. Currently I am single (mostly), with no one else to take care of besides myself, with a career that allows for such craziness. The money situation isn't ideal but I'm going to try and see if I can work around it somehow. It may not come to fruition, at least not right away...but I'm going to see what I can do to make it happen.

My laptop is making noises I don't recognize these days and I know it'll stop running once and for all sooner rather than later...hmm, need to look into a new one at some point...

Anyway, I'm also torn in the relationship department. I can't help but think I'm going to screw up anything that comes along anytime soon. I've met someone. A great guy. Doesn't bullshit. Doesn't play games. Makes me laugh. And yet I have reservations I can't seem to get over having to do with the last asshole that was a part of my life. I've really come to enjoy the drama-free life the last few months and I'm not so sure I'm willing to give it up. I know I'm not entering into the same type of drama that was my life for five months...but any relationship I've ever had has brought drama with it in one form or another and I'm enjoying the self-discovery process of being alone. Yes, I love waking up in someone's arms. Yes, I love having someone around to share my day with. Yes, I love having someone around who inspires me and teaches me new things. But I've learned a hard lesson in timing of relationships and I'm just not so sure that my time has come to give up singlehood. I've still got too many reservations and fears to overcome. And I would like to have Jeff in my life without the fear of screwing it up and losing him even as a friend. I'm friends with few exes because one or the other of us hurt too much to ever go back to a friendship. I don't want to be the person who hurts others because I rushed into something my heart and/or head were not ready for. I've been on the receiving end of that bullshit and I would never want to be the cause of pain I know I could have prevented. Guess only time will tell what happens...

Now about researching possible choices for travel...I know Italy's on my list as well. Always has been. Not to mention I want to learn Italian and what better way than to immerse myself for a while. Unlike other dreams I am pursuing that I know will be a reality, this one may take some serious planning and never be carried out...nevertheless, the planning of such a year will give me pleasure and prepare me if the wonderous opportunity happens to present itself. For now I say goodnight...and end on the happy note that my mom's driver's license got renewed for another year. That's a serious weight off the shoulders.