Who knew...

I've never been called a b*tch before as a form of endearment. That all changed with Alison, Joey's mom. I must admit I'm kinda good with Wii bowling. No one wants to play me. Well, Alison decided to take on the challenge and proceeded to call me a bitch with each strike. Then made me smile when she gave me a hug and kiss and said, "you know I'm kidding, right?" I've been accepted :) She and I have always gotten along, since the first time I met her Christmas Eve of 2006. I remember the approval I'd gotten within seconds. She stood up, walked over to Joey's ear, the one not next to me, and said I was a keeper. I'm happy that time hasn't changed her opinion. I think the reason I fell instantly in love with her is she reminds me so much of my own mom. And I guess we'll see soon enough how they get along with the families meeting in a week. Surprisingly, I'm not nervous at all. I'm more excited than anything else. I just hope my mom feels comfortable so she can show her true personality instead of being quiet, given it's gonna be a group of about twenty.

I'm also relieved because Ryan and I had a heart to heart last night. I had vibes last year that he didn't like me and apparently I wasn't wrong. So I was a bit terrified to see him again. Everything worked itself out. We talked a lot and I feel really good about the situation now.

Three months today and counting. :) Though it's truly flown by because it doesn't feel that long. Feels like a day's gone by since we became friends again and realized that just a friendship between us doesn't work. And man am I happy about that!

Today is also Angela's birthday. She's having a murder mystery party. I'm excited since this is the first that I'll ever have attended. I'm really gonna miss her when she and Granger move to CO. I feel like we're finally back on track with hanging out more often only to realize that will soon end. Oh well, must stay positive and enjoy the time we have left...that is, until the four of us are in LA together! She and Granger got us hooked on the best boardgame EVER...it's called Catan. Yay, she and I have finally gotten the double dates we'd always talked about in college. It's rare that we both have fantastic men in our lives at the same time...I'm happy it finally happened...and they're both here to stay!

What else...Sadie has her next vet appt tomorrow mornin. More x-rays to find out how much the stones have disintegrated. I'm just ready for her to be herself again. She's getting there, thankfully. It's just taking longer than I'd like. We took some cute pics with her on the 4th...will have to post on here once Joey sends them to me.

I smoked my first cigar on the 4th. Ok, had a few puffs because it's not my thing. Everytime I decided to take another puff, I had to practice the motion of taking it in without inhaling. Joey was laughing but it just doesn't come naturally to me :) Hmm, gonna try one at some point that's not as tobacco-y...yes, that's a word. Or at least it is in my dictionary.

Ok, gonna go finish watching Wimbledon and reading a book before I must get ready to play in costume. More updates as they come along...

9 years :(

Man, I know this day is supposed to get easier with time...but this year it kinda snuck up on me and I can't believe it's been nine years since my grandma passed away. I miss her dearly. With each passing year, I fear that I remember her less. That makes the situation even harder.

I didn't sleep much last night. Couldn't fall asleep. I was upset about something else and then the date dawned on me and I knew I'd be lucky to get a few hours in. It's going to be a long day traveling properties and Malee's tonight.

Guess I better go get started.

I'll light a candle for her tonight.

Sadie is getting better :)

I'm so excited and relieved...that is all.

Italy

So, today was supposed to be my last day of work for 10 days. Yep, tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn, I was supposed to be aboard an airplane to take me to the number one country on my list of "must visit." However, INS sucks and have yet to send Jana her citizenship papers she'd lost; so instead, we will be covering the office while everyone else is drinking the wine that does NOT give you a hangover (no sulfites.) Anyway, it was hard being at work today. The morning wasn't so bad...then everyone started saying goodbye and telling us how much they'll miss us and the tears came. I got a lump in my throat when they gave us each an hour massage because they wanted to thank us in some way. It'll be a weird week at work.

Ok, so that was depressing and I'm feeling better...we went and had drinks and sushi after work. But what made me smile the most was remembering last night...and what a wonderful man I have in my life. He got major kudos from all of my coworkers when I told the story of one of the sweetest romantic gestures anyone has ever done. I even had coworkers say, "so men from romantic movies really do exist."

First, we went and celebrated Jon's birthday with some dinner and a movie. Then we get home and Joey goes upstairs and gets a hat and blazer on and starts acting like a flight attendant. He takes me on a trip in a plane (ok, it was a chair in the middle of a room)...but it may as well have been a real one. I was treated with in-flight entertainment, turbulance (joey shaking the chair) and couldn't stop giggling. One of the movies was a perfect enactment of a cat trying to wake up his owner for some cuddling. Anyway, funnier if you actually saw the video. Next, we get to our destination, I walk to our room, open the door...only to step into my own Italy. Candlelit, Italian music in the background, a poster of Venice with pics of us in the Gondola (sp?)...and then the date that will be, with everything Italy...pasta, breadsticks, Italian Soda, wine, chocolate, Italian beer and Tiramisu dessert. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was honestly the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me and it really helped with the situation. I know my first experience of really seeing Italy will now be with Joey...and I very much look forward to it...but until then, I'll take Joey's version of Italy and treasure it. Wow, do I have a keeper or what?! :)

Total side note...I bought Sadie a different version of her presciption food today and she loves it...so excited, I was worried for a while with the weight she's lost since her bladder stones became an issue.

Today has had its ups and downs...but when all is said and done, I know everything happens for a reason. Not to mention, I got a small taste of Italy from the sweetest man.

Feeling like myself again...

The last couple days have been hard. The realization that we don't get to go to Italy in 8 days has made me more sad than I care to admit. Sadie has two giant sized kidney stones that would be large by human standards, much less a ten pound dog. The little money I had saved has now gone completely out the window and sometimes I wonder if LA in January is possible. Yep, it's been a bit stressful.

And then, I realize how wonderful life is. I have the most amazing person by my side, through even my dark times, telling me everything will be ok. Thankfully those dark times are few, but it never hurts to know there is so much love and support when it's needed. We had a heart to heart yesterday. And though a lot of stuff was still left unanswered in my head, the talk made me realize not everything needs a definite black and white...a lot of things in life are shades of gray. Not to mention, one thing that got answered was hard to take...but that's only because I knew how much truth was behind the statement. And though the truth hurts to hear sometimes, it's refreshing to know that we can have any conversation and come away smiling.

As much as it scares me that I've found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, I sit back and smile realizing not many people get to experience that. To know, that everyday when they wake up, they are waking up next to their best friend. I look forward to all of our firsts...and the must "to do" list that we have yet to actual create.

In hard times, its rare that I depend on anyone but my immediate family. And then I realized that Joey is that for me. And I am grateful everyday that he is a part of my life...the part that makes me shine brighter and has me laughing constantly.

I know this is a sappy entry...but I'm not going to apologize...I want to scream out to the world I AM IN LOVE and can only wish the same happiness on everyone around me. Because there truly is no bigger high in this world. To know that you're walking hand in hand with someone, on a path that leads to who knows where...and every moment you're in this together.

Yep, I'm out of my gloom. It'll be hard not being in Italy for ten days in the coming weeks...but Joey did promise me a trip by the end of the year (I'm holding you to it babe!) Now I just gotta send happy thoughts to my pup and hope the money I'm spending will help her. Oh, and strange coincidence...the day I was so stressed about money, I got a call from an agent that I was pursuing 8 months ago...interested in taking me on. Yep, I'd say that's a sign of more great news to come.

Darlene Turner...one amazing, beautiful and brave woman.

Yesterday was a sad day. The woman above, one I adored dearly and whom although I'd only met a few times I can call a sister, lost her battle with breast cancer. Never in my life have I met someone who lived with such joy, passion, and above all else...just LIVED! She was a diva biker-babe who wore high heels and her badass bandana until the very end. Never once did she complain about the cards she'd been dealt, she considered them a blessing in teaching her about life. She let people in, in a way difficult for anyone, especially someone with such a hard exterior who you come to know as a big teddy bear inside. I will miss her. I was blessed to have had her in my life and to witness someone give life their all. She did everything with a smile on her face, whether it was chemo, radiation...or the things that truly brought her joy - riding motorcyles, living life a little bit on the edge, making phallic cookies when one too many drinks were drunk, or cheering wildly as she stepped from the vehicle to greet her friends on what was to be her final take off in a plane, the one that brought her home to NY. I will treasure the moments I had with her and know that I'm forever changed and stronger because of this extraordinary woman. My only wish is that she'd made it to Italy with us all. She will definitely be there in spirit.

Dar, I love you. Though you will be greatly missed, I know you're in a better place watching over everyone you love.

I could get used to this :)

I've always said everything in life happens for a reason. And no matter the situation, good or bad, it always turns out to be true. I truly believe a year ago, we weren't ready for a relationship. I think we both had some more growing to do and some hurdles to overcome. Our timing was off the first time. We met too soon. But I think our bumpy past has made what we share now that much stronger and more incredible. I'm just happy we found our way back into one another's lives. This time the puzzle pieces fit. I'm loved in a way I've only thought possible in movies. Daily, I'm showered with affection that could never grow old. And the most amazing part...the look in his eyes that lets me know we're in this together.

There may have been a year wasted in our story, but it makes me cherish every minute we have now. Who knew when I wrote my list a few months back of the perfect (perfect for me anyhow) man coming into my life, that it would manifest in such an extraordinary way. It goes to show what you put out in the universe is exactly what you're going to get.

Happy...

Wow, I've had a hard time keeping in touch with people lately...even my closest friends. So I will try to update for those who read this. I'm ridiculously busy these days trying to get finances in order to move to LA by year's end. Thus, I have two jobs that keep me working at least 60 hrs a week, leaving little time for much else. To those I have neglected recently, I apologize.

Along with being busy, I'm happier than I've been in a while. And honestly, I'm happy in general so now I'm ridiculously happy ;) Still in shock, but deliriously happy. Joey has come back into my life. Though I never believed we'd ever be more than friends in life again, if even that, we've given a relationship another chance (or really, our first real chance) and it's going splendidly. Some people in my life are still skeptical...but even through their hesitation, I know they wish me nothing but happiness and support my decisions. And if you've been around me in the last couple weeks, you know that I can't stop myself from smiling. So I'd say, I couldn't have made a better decision than "yes." Have I mentioned I'm still in shock. Who knew?!

What else...booked a Casino AZ print job that shoots this week! Woohoo! Have had more auditions in the last couple weeks than the last few months combined. Another woohoo! Had a fantastic class with Molly this weekend and was happy to learn that I will be a welcome addition to her Master's class when I do make the move to LA...which was a thrill because you have to be invited. It's amazing to me how much my confidence has grown in the last year with regards to my career. I feel big things are ahead for me in that department.

My birthday's coming up...and my mom's 50th! Wow, that time of year again. Sometimes I start freaking out and then I stop to realize how lucky I am to be turning another year older. Especially with the last month and Darlene. I think of her daily. Since my grandma died in 1999, this is the closest I've come to cancer affecting my life again and it's scary. Times when I find that I want to cry, I realize life's too short and every moment needs to be celebrated. The tears may come still...but I've never met someone more inspiring and optimistic when given the news Darlene has heard in the last few weeks. For anyone who believes in prayer, please keep Darlene in your thoughts.

I have so much more to say because it's been so long since I've written...however, if I don't go to bed soon, I will regret the decision come 6am tomorrow...honestly, a part of me already does!

More updates to come.

Flap Your Wings...and let it go!

Ok, so I'm currently reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." One section really gave me an AHA moment and I thought to share it on here as it may do the same for others. And honestly, the book is worth every penny so pick up a copy...but this is just a preview as to why.

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The Duck with a Human Mind:

"In The Power of Now, I mentioned my observation that after two ducks get into a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in opposite directions. Then each duck will flap its wings, vigorously a few times, thus releasing the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they flap their wings, they float on peacefully, as if nothing had ever happened.

If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck's story: 'I don't believe what he just did. He came to within five inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I'll never trust him again. Next time he'll try something else just to annoy me. I'm sure he's plotting something already. But I'm not going to stand for this. I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget.' And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later. As far as the body is concerned, the fight is still continuing, and the energy it generates in response to all those thoughts is emotion, which in turn generates more thinking. This becomes the emotional thinking of the ego. You can see how problematic the duck's life would become if it had a human mind. But this is how most humans live all the time. No situation or event is ever really finished. The mind and the mind-made "me and my story" keep it going.

We are a species that has lost its way. Everything natural, ever flower or tree, and every animal have important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look, and listen. Our duck's lesson is this: Flap your wings--which translates as "let go of the story"--and return to the only place of power: the present moment."

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Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself. If that didn't cause a few laughs and AHA moments, I don't know what will. I know this is something hard to remember when I'm in the midst of emotion such as anger in a fight. However, I think the more I remember and try to put into practice "flapping my wings," the easier it will become. Just in rereading it now, I can recall stories I've made up in my head that have kept certain arguments alive...no more. I will work to rid myself of the ridiculous need to hold on to "my story."

18-1

Hah, to any Patriots fans out there...at least it was a great game. Though I'm not a regular follower of football, tonight was probably the most exciting Super Bowl I've ever witnessed...and yes, I was rooting for the Giants. That had more to do with seeing a record of 18-1, and the 1 accounting for the worst possible game to lose...the Championship. Wow, what a game!

Anyway, enough about that...had an amazing weekend. Yep, gave Steve my number. Was having a fantastic conversation when I thought in my head, "this is the opportune moment!" So, I took a leap and happy to know that leap didn't have him avoid my tub the rest of the night! Quite the contrary. I guess I'll actually see when I hear from him how this crush turns out...but I'm excited to have taken the chance. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. And that definitely doesn't happen for me everyday. Usually the opposite effect occurs, me running in a different direction just to get away. For now, I'm fascinated, intrigued, and look forward to work just for a glimpse of this handsome man. Haha.

Another fantastic story...met a man this weekend who works on The Best Damn Sports Show who gave me his contact info so that he can get me into some spots to get my SAG card when I move to LA...and more importantly, his motive was not to get into my pants. I had a great time talking to people that were not the regular Scottsdale Devil's Martini crowd...I love getting to know new people and hearing their stories. Just wish I was better at keeping in touch with everyone dear to my heart.

Ok, I'm exhausted after a very long week...must go to bed. I'm still in disbelief that the Giants won...woohoo!!