Perfection...

That would be how I would describe my day today...well, starting about two hours after I'd woken up since I didn't feel so great this morning. Nevertheless, the day progressively got better and peaked when I watched the sunset tonight atop North Mountain. So many reasons I love clouds, but on top of that list is definitely the beautiful sunsets they make possible. As I sat up top witnessing nature's beauty, I listened to Enya and found myself completely at peace. There are many times I attempt meditation but few are as successful as today. Anyone who knows me, or most women in general, knows our brains NEVER shut off. I was able to do just that and it was incredible. As I descended down the mountain, I was smiling like an idiot...but was met by many smiles in return. Its strange to me that I've finally gotten on a workout routine and now I'm seeing regulars on the mountain. It's a quiet comaraderie we all share, recognizing one another and smiling, but all of us in our own little worlds with technology beating into our ears, and minds a thousand miles away. Nevertheless, I've come to rely on those regulars to get me to the mountain the next day, knowing I'll get that nod of acknowledgement and smile and can merrily go along.

My peace was slightly interrupted as I was walking home because I saw tire marks that showed a car out of control having jumped the curb onto the sidewalk on which I walk. That made my heart skip a beat as I did not see those marks on the way to the mountain...and by the looks of the tire marks, the car would have taken out anyone walking at that time. Happy to know I was not a witness to the incident.

Anyway, I get home and am about to go out and rent "Phone Booth" because Keifer Sutherlands character is one I'm supposed to think about when rehearsing for one of my upcoming auditions. I turn on the tv to finish my dinner first and wouldn't you know it, it was just starting on cable. Is it a sign? I'm gonna go with YES! Have I mentioned I'm looking forward to channeling my darker side :)

Yep, it's been a good day!

A Little Apprehensive...

So, I have an audition set for next Saturday in LA again. As much as I normally LOVE the drive, I'm a little terrified this time around. This will be the first time I make the trip since my roll-over and I'm hoping not too many tires find themselves torn apart around me.

Nevertheless, very excited about this opportunity. Its a role I submitted myself for just yesterday. And could mean my getting SAG eligibility. Not to mention it's a great script with complex characters.

Wish me luck...for the drive as well as my audition! :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...I'm about to go feast on a fantastic meal!

Feelin much better...

Today's been a productive day. Cleaned and changed around my room. Submitted myself for about six auditions I found in backstage west. Had a fantastic glass of Pinot Noir. Went to work only to find that Rusty didn't need me tonight...so I finally get a night to myself. Was going to see a movie but decided instead to stop by a bookstore and come home to get under the covers and lost in a book. So now I find myself in pjs hours before I expected and I'm smiling gleefully. I'm content. Peaceful. Which after yesterday, I welcome with open arms.

Perhaps I'm thinking about the meal I'm about to enjoy tomorrow. Or that I finally get to meet a future brother-in-law. I love big family gatherings. There's also a part of me really looking forward to Friday. Maybe more than I should be. I can't help myself. Martina's big 3-0 and I'm finally hanging out with Jim. Yep, I'm smiling.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve everyone :)

Bad Mood! :(

Wish I knew why I am in such a foul mood today. Yes, it has something to do with not having had time for myself at all the last couple of days...but really, I should be ok with that because I'm so excited to have Martina here. Nevertheless, I'm not happy today and seem to be taking it out on everyone around me. If you're on the receiving end, I apologize. I'll lock myself in my room for a bit and hope to come out with a smile. Send me some jokes if you've got any good ones :) Much appreciated!

Mutual Purpose

Today marks the end of Path of Dialogue in my Friends and Family class I take from Red Mountain/Productive Learning and Leisure. It was a very beneficial class that will guide me in conversations for the rest of my life. For anyone who has a hard time communicating, I highly recommend the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High."

One thing I hadn't realized until today was the most important crucial conversation I was needing to have, the one with myself. The one where my ego of financial issues and my spirit of wanting to live in CA to pursue my acting career begin to coexist and I find a solution to satisfy both.

What my ego says: I'm afraid if I don't pay off my debts before moving, my move to CA will once again NOT be permanent. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have my family support me financially again. I'm afraid I won't have money to take classes, send out headshots, do the rounds and pursue my career because I'll be playing catch up with my bills.

What my Spirit says: I want to be in CA yesterday. I want to be seeking CA representation instead of new AZ representation. I want to land my first commercial or speaking role in a television show/film. I want to be surrounded by the industry that fascinates me ridiculously and which I love unconditionally. I once again want to be surrounded by people chasing their own dreams because they motivate me daily. I miss living in a town where on any given day I run into twenty people having one way or another to do with entertainment.

Mutual Purpose: I need to actively find a way to move to CA NOW and have a job that will support my pursuits as well as pay my bills on time.

The above is my dream...this is what I am working on. My assignment was to type it up and share it because then it becomes real and my mind begins to pick apart obstacles in order to find a path.

When talking it through with Phil, he wanted me to realize that the first time I moved back to Phoenix wasn't a failure for me. In fact, it was a triumph and success. I got my headshots done. I got my first agent. I've been auditioning all year. I take classes weekly. I'm more focused and I've grown as a person. All of the above was EXACTLY what I needed.

Now the time has come for my next adventure. And I'm going to figure out a way to get it under way. I thank all of you for your support ahead of time. I have a feeling I may be MIA figuring everything out as well as saving money. So if you want to hang out and do activities which aren't too costly...hiking, board games, video games, conversation over coffee (I'm open to suggestions)...I look forward to it. But for now, don't take offense when I decline invitations that will take me away from my ultimate goal...leaving AZ behind to live once again in what can only be described as the craziness of Los Angeles (and I say that lovingly and without judgement). In fact, it's the first place that to me felt like home. I look forward to going back home.

I'm off to hike and think up some strategies...beyond winning the lottery, that is!

Investing in my business...

What a concept! The wheels in my head are spinning and I'm gonna figure this out! So, I was out with a friend from CA tonight that proposed the following...how can I make my business, that obviously being me and my acting, into something that can become a business investment for those interested in taking on the risk. I have an amazing amount of support and this brings it to a whole new level.

My plan is to move back out to CA by next fall with little to no debt besides school loans and now I'm trying to figure out exactly how that's going to happen. Not to mention the continued costs of running my business...classes, headshots, marketing tools, postage of postcards and headshots going to agents/casting directors, gas for auditions and networking, etc, etc...Kurt may have just pointed me in the right direction. And since this is completely new and unconventional, I need to figure out a strategy and business plan for those interested. Yes, the risk is HUGE! As any actor knows, my time for success may never come...though I truly don't believe that or I wouldn't be doing what I do. Not to mention that my idea of success really isn't monetary beyond not needing a secondary job.

I don't even know how to put into words everything going on in my head. Some interesting points: a quarterly newsletter updating my triumphs and disappointments, at what point do I start returning on the investments, what percentage can I guarantee back in how many years time if my business never takes off...

Obviously I need to sit down with someone business oriented and see if the above is possible...and since I fully believe in Red Mountain's "Anything is Possible," I need to figure out a plan of action and get it done.

Ideas? Anyone with a business sense, good strategy developer, anything...hit me up. Hmm, I'm so excited...

I'M ALIVE!!!

So yesterday will forever be marked in my memory as one of the scariest yet luckiest experiences of my life. Was coming back from an audition (amazing audition, I might add) in CA. Had travelled about 60 miles east of Blythe when I swerved to avoid a huge tire in the middle of my lane and in doing so had caused my car to lose control and get into a roll-over accident. I remember the whole thing...tires screeching, car flipping, dirt flying everywhere...and no joke, it was completely slow motion. Two things I don't remember is hitting my head (got a huge bump) and where my arms/hands were once I lost control. One thing I know for sure is I had someone watching over me because I cannot believed I walked away...will share a picture once I have some available. In fact, when it got called in by witnesses, someone called it in as a fatality because they couldn't believe someone would have survived what they'd witnessed. To say that I am grateful to be alive today is an understatement. I tried calling/texting anyone and everyone to make sure they never doubt how much I love them and how important they are to me.

The strange thing is my mortality didn't even come to mind yesterday. I was pissed about my car. I was calmer than anyone else I was dealing with (family, witnesses, etc...) and rather than being excited to have survived, I was cussing ridiculously about having just totalled my car. These great Australian people pulled over as they had witnessed the whole thing because they were the car behind me. Think I scared them a bit when I crawled out of the car (it had landed upside down) because I started cursing about everything that was technically replaceable instead of being shaken having just walked away mostly unscathed. I hadn't even thought to turn off the ignition so one of the men crawled into the rubble and did it for me.

Ironically enough, I was out having lunch with my sister and her boyfriend when he decided to go shopping because he needed a couple work shirts. I'm walking into Macy's to find a purse (most of my stuff is totalled as well) when out comes Marita (the Australian woman who'd witnessed my accident). How strange to run into them 100 miles away, under completely different circumstances only the day after. I was a hell of a lot cleaner (so much so that two of the men didn't recognize me right away). We started talking about the accident and they told me everything they saw and how they couldn't believe the amount of dirt that was on me and in my car (no joke, probably a foot of loose dirt in my car once it made it's final flip). They also told me that they had run over the tire I tried so hard to avoid and it hit their car really hard. They were driving an SUV so really I don't know that I wouldn't have ended up in the same boat if not worse had I just hit it because my car sat so low (I feel better knowing I wasn't imagining just how big that tire was!)

I've made some friends for life...we've exchanged information and we're grabbing drinks tomorrow. Not to mention they'd suggested lottery tickets yesterday with how lucky I was and if I win tonight I promised to share my winnings. They've invited me to Australia...definitely a place I've always wanted to visit.

So, now I await the possible phone call telling me I got the job...and then the realization that I would have to make my way back to CA on Tuesday. Think this time around I'm flying!

I have more to say and my thoughts are all jumbled...just wanted everyone who I haven't talked to to know I am ok (besides some serious neck and upper body pains) but very grateful to have those as they do mean I am still here. I'm not done with what I've gotta do in this life...and I'm glad whoever was watching over me yesterday realized that!

Love you all...never forget or doubt that!

always crying...

I've been told that I have a tendency towards the dramatic...and along with that comes strong emotions that I have no problem sharing with the world. I don't hide behind stuff...if I'm sad, I'm sad. When I wanna cry, I cry. Mostly I smile and laugh, but there are days, like today, where emotions get the better of me and I cry. Sometimes I cry from joy, other times sadness, and the most bizarre is when I don't even know why but emotions need to be let loose. Today's been one of the last. I'm sick so that tends to make me even more emotional than usual...and this well of water within me doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

One thing that got me teary-eyed was Sedona's gift to me. I love that her family shows their love for one another and everyone around them through words...and by that, I mean poetry, song, or a personalized notecard telling of your importance to them. I'm getting all choked up just rereading what Sedona said to me...although it's personal, I will share it here as this is a sort of refuge for me (one I don't utilize as often as my written journal), but special nonetheless.

Lenka,
You are such a wonderful friend to me. You're a listener and a sharer. You are beautiful and talented and you are so comfortable in your skin. I admire how you will stand up for yourself in any situation. I hope some of you rubs off on me.

Yep, I'm crying all over again. In life you try to be the kind of person that people admire or that makes a difference. And sometimes you don't know that you're actually accomplishing that goal...and then someone important to you shares with you that they want to have qualities you possess (that you weren't necessarily even aware of) and it gives you a feeling that's indescribable.

I never leave an Erwin party without crying at least once. And I think it's a beautiful tradition that I will want to start in my own life. Yes I say I love you at every opportunity...but sometimes letting someone know all the reasons why makes it that much more special. I know I would have been just as touched had Sedona just said I love you...but somehow her notecard said that much and more. Have I mentioned I'm lucky to have such a wonderful friend/sister in my life?!

So today I cried for various reasons...some frustration, some sadness, some joy, and some from extra emotions brought on by sickness. And then Sedona made me realize that even through my craziness and drama, I'm strong and comfortable in my own skin. I don't apologize for my beliefs, choices, or decisions. I'm me...take me or leave me. I stand up when something doesn't feel right. And I'm proud of who I've become. I still learn everyday and I make unnecessary judgements. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm perfectly happy with who I am.

This is such a soppy entry. And to anyone reading...I make no apologies. Some days you forget the influence you've had or how wonderful you are...I'm lucky that on such a day, Sedona reminded me and I realized she was right. Now I'm gonna go write more in my journal, and hope the tears are gone by tomorrow.

Zombie-like...

So, if there was ever a person who survived getting hit by a train, I believe today I found out exactly what they would look like...at least I think I did after looking in the mirror. I've been sleeping better lately and yet last night I couldn't get to bed until 4am and even after I'd finally fallen asleep I tossed til morning. Im exhausted and yet couldn't fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I DON'T GET IT!

Sedona recently told me I've got bigger balls than anyone she's ever known. I definitely take that as a compliment. I've definitely put myself out there lately. Some situations turned out great, others went differently than expected but I figure for the best. I'm confused in the relationship department. I've had some great dates recently...which is always fun because who doesn't like to get dressed up for a night of good food and hopefully good conversation. However, the one person I want to be with is to remain only my friend in life. And I'll take it...he's become someone really important to me and I would hate for anything to change with our friendship. One thing he's definitely given me besides a great friendship is my faith back in good men being out in this world...something I definitely needed when he came into my life. I know as long as I keep taking risks in relationships, when it's meant to work out, I'll realize all the practice has been well worth the wait.

I have my first audition in CA coming up next week. So freakin excited. I've improved tremendously in the last few months of training with Debbie and really feel prepared for the season. Im going to book this thing, I have a feeling. and it will hopefully lead to more jobs so I can move back.

There are 267 days left before one of the greatest experiences of my life...my journey to Italy is getting closer by the day and I can't even begin to express how excited I am. I have a feeling I'm not gonna want to come back...or it will prompt me to look into moving abroad for a while. Some Italian man is gonna sweep me off my feet and I'll never come back. Haha, just kidding...um, unless he looks anything like Raoul Bova from Under the Tuscan Sun...then I say bring it on!

Katherine's finally back in my life...not that she's been missing, just lived too far away and we both suck at keeping in touch. Yay, gonna go to Tucson next week and maybe we can meet up for Starbucks and run into Alchie.

Life is good...but I want to hit the Pause button once in a while because I really feel lately like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow fifty years old and wondering where the time's gone. Thankfully I'm enjoying the journey and doing everything I want to be doing.

This is a pointless entry but thought to update a bit and since sleep is not plausible and I'm too lazy to write in my journal...this was the next best option. My next entry will be excitement over booking my first CA audition!! :)

I Love You ALL!!

I thought the email below was very well worth posting...but I wanted to start out by saying to everyone that surrounds me, and to those who are too far away that the phone/email serve as our main source of contact...you mean the world to me and I love you. And I try to say it often but sometimes even that doesn't seem like enough. I'm lucky...

George Carlin 's Views on Aging


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you
BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into
the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person,
who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the
next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.