Investing in my business...

What a concept! The wheels in my head are spinning and I'm gonna figure this out! So, I was out with a friend from CA tonight that proposed the following...how can I make my business, that obviously being me and my acting, into something that can become a business investment for those interested in taking on the risk. I have an amazing amount of support and this brings it to a whole new level.

My plan is to move back out to CA by next fall with little to no debt besides school loans and now I'm trying to figure out exactly how that's going to happen. Not to mention the continued costs of running my business...classes, headshots, marketing tools, postage of postcards and headshots going to agents/casting directors, gas for auditions and networking, etc, etc...Kurt may have just pointed me in the right direction. And since this is completely new and unconventional, I need to figure out a strategy and business plan for those interested. Yes, the risk is HUGE! As any actor knows, my time for success may never come...though I truly don't believe that or I wouldn't be doing what I do. Not to mention that my idea of success really isn't monetary beyond not needing a secondary job.

I don't even know how to put into words everything going on in my head. Some interesting points: a quarterly newsletter updating my triumphs and disappointments, at what point do I start returning on the investments, what percentage can I guarantee back in how many years time if my business never takes off...

Obviously I need to sit down with someone business oriented and see if the above is possible...and since I fully believe in Red Mountain's "Anything is Possible," I need to figure out a plan of action and get it done.

Ideas? Anyone with a business sense, good strategy developer, anything...hit me up. Hmm, I'm so excited...

I'M ALIVE!!!

So yesterday will forever be marked in my memory as one of the scariest yet luckiest experiences of my life. Was coming back from an audition (amazing audition, I might add) in CA. Had travelled about 60 miles east of Blythe when I swerved to avoid a huge tire in the middle of my lane and in doing so had caused my car to lose control and get into a roll-over accident. I remember the whole thing...tires screeching, car flipping, dirt flying everywhere...and no joke, it was completely slow motion. Two things I don't remember is hitting my head (got a huge bump) and where my arms/hands were once I lost control. One thing I know for sure is I had someone watching over me because I cannot believed I walked away...will share a picture once I have some available. In fact, when it got called in by witnesses, someone called it in as a fatality because they couldn't believe someone would have survived what they'd witnessed. To say that I am grateful to be alive today is an understatement. I tried calling/texting anyone and everyone to make sure they never doubt how much I love them and how important they are to me.

The strange thing is my mortality didn't even come to mind yesterday. I was pissed about my car. I was calmer than anyone else I was dealing with (family, witnesses, etc...) and rather than being excited to have survived, I was cussing ridiculously about having just totalled my car. These great Australian people pulled over as they had witnessed the whole thing because they were the car behind me. Think I scared them a bit when I crawled out of the car (it had landed upside down) because I started cursing about everything that was technically replaceable instead of being shaken having just walked away mostly unscathed. I hadn't even thought to turn off the ignition so one of the men crawled into the rubble and did it for me.

Ironically enough, I was out having lunch with my sister and her boyfriend when he decided to go shopping because he needed a couple work shirts. I'm walking into Macy's to find a purse (most of my stuff is totalled as well) when out comes Marita (the Australian woman who'd witnessed my accident). How strange to run into them 100 miles away, under completely different circumstances only the day after. I was a hell of a lot cleaner (so much so that two of the men didn't recognize me right away). We started talking about the accident and they told me everything they saw and how they couldn't believe the amount of dirt that was on me and in my car (no joke, probably a foot of loose dirt in my car once it made it's final flip). They also told me that they had run over the tire I tried so hard to avoid and it hit their car really hard. They were driving an SUV so really I don't know that I wouldn't have ended up in the same boat if not worse had I just hit it because my car sat so low (I feel better knowing I wasn't imagining just how big that tire was!)

I've made some friends for life...we've exchanged information and we're grabbing drinks tomorrow. Not to mention they'd suggested lottery tickets yesterday with how lucky I was and if I win tonight I promised to share my winnings. They've invited me to Australia...definitely a place I've always wanted to visit.

So, now I await the possible phone call telling me I got the job...and then the realization that I would have to make my way back to CA on Tuesday. Think this time around I'm flying!

I have more to say and my thoughts are all jumbled...just wanted everyone who I haven't talked to to know I am ok (besides some serious neck and upper body pains) but very grateful to have those as they do mean I am still here. I'm not done with what I've gotta do in this life...and I'm glad whoever was watching over me yesterday realized that!

Love you all...never forget or doubt that!

always crying...

I've been told that I have a tendency towards the dramatic...and along with that comes strong emotions that I have no problem sharing with the world. I don't hide behind stuff...if I'm sad, I'm sad. When I wanna cry, I cry. Mostly I smile and laugh, but there are days, like today, where emotions get the better of me and I cry. Sometimes I cry from joy, other times sadness, and the most bizarre is when I don't even know why but emotions need to be let loose. Today's been one of the last. I'm sick so that tends to make me even more emotional than usual...and this well of water within me doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

One thing that got me teary-eyed was Sedona's gift to me. I love that her family shows their love for one another and everyone around them through words...and by that, I mean poetry, song, or a personalized notecard telling of your importance to them. I'm getting all choked up just rereading what Sedona said to me...although it's personal, I will share it here as this is a sort of refuge for me (one I don't utilize as often as my written journal), but special nonetheless.

Lenka,
You are such a wonderful friend to me. You're a listener and a sharer. You are beautiful and talented and you are so comfortable in your skin. I admire how you will stand up for yourself in any situation. I hope some of you rubs off on me.

Yep, I'm crying all over again. In life you try to be the kind of person that people admire or that makes a difference. And sometimes you don't know that you're actually accomplishing that goal...and then someone important to you shares with you that they want to have qualities you possess (that you weren't necessarily even aware of) and it gives you a feeling that's indescribable.

I never leave an Erwin party without crying at least once. And I think it's a beautiful tradition that I will want to start in my own life. Yes I say I love you at every opportunity...but sometimes letting someone know all the reasons why makes it that much more special. I know I would have been just as touched had Sedona just said I love you...but somehow her notecard said that much and more. Have I mentioned I'm lucky to have such a wonderful friend/sister in my life?!

So today I cried for various reasons...some frustration, some sadness, some joy, and some from extra emotions brought on by sickness. And then Sedona made me realize that even through my craziness and drama, I'm strong and comfortable in my own skin. I don't apologize for my beliefs, choices, or decisions. I'm me...take me or leave me. I stand up when something doesn't feel right. And I'm proud of who I've become. I still learn everyday and I make unnecessary judgements. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm perfectly happy with who I am.

This is such a soppy entry. And to anyone reading...I make no apologies. Some days you forget the influence you've had or how wonderful you are...I'm lucky that on such a day, Sedona reminded me and I realized she was right. Now I'm gonna go write more in my journal, and hope the tears are gone by tomorrow.

Zombie-like...

So, if there was ever a person who survived getting hit by a train, I believe today I found out exactly what they would look like...at least I think I did after looking in the mirror. I've been sleeping better lately and yet last night I couldn't get to bed until 4am and even after I'd finally fallen asleep I tossed til morning. Im exhausted and yet couldn't fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I DON'T GET IT!

Sedona recently told me I've got bigger balls than anyone she's ever known. I definitely take that as a compliment. I've definitely put myself out there lately. Some situations turned out great, others went differently than expected but I figure for the best. I'm confused in the relationship department. I've had some great dates recently...which is always fun because who doesn't like to get dressed up for a night of good food and hopefully good conversation. However, the one person I want to be with is to remain only my friend in life. And I'll take it...he's become someone really important to me and I would hate for anything to change with our friendship. One thing he's definitely given me besides a great friendship is my faith back in good men being out in this world...something I definitely needed when he came into my life. I know as long as I keep taking risks in relationships, when it's meant to work out, I'll realize all the practice has been well worth the wait.

I have my first audition in CA coming up next week. So freakin excited. I've improved tremendously in the last few months of training with Debbie and really feel prepared for the season. Im going to book this thing, I have a feeling. and it will hopefully lead to more jobs so I can move back.

There are 267 days left before one of the greatest experiences of my life...my journey to Italy is getting closer by the day and I can't even begin to express how excited I am. I have a feeling I'm not gonna want to come back...or it will prompt me to look into moving abroad for a while. Some Italian man is gonna sweep me off my feet and I'll never come back. Haha, just kidding...um, unless he looks anything like Raoul Bova from Under the Tuscan Sun...then I say bring it on!

Katherine's finally back in my life...not that she's been missing, just lived too far away and we both suck at keeping in touch. Yay, gonna go to Tucson next week and maybe we can meet up for Starbucks and run into Alchie.

Life is good...but I want to hit the Pause button once in a while because I really feel lately like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow fifty years old and wondering where the time's gone. Thankfully I'm enjoying the journey and doing everything I want to be doing.

This is a pointless entry but thought to update a bit and since sleep is not plausible and I'm too lazy to write in my journal...this was the next best option. My next entry will be excitement over booking my first CA audition!! :)

I Love You ALL!!

I thought the email below was very well worth posting...but I wanted to start out by saying to everyone that surrounds me, and to those who are too far away that the phone/email serve as our main source of contact...you mean the world to me and I love you. And I try to say it often but sometimes even that doesn't seem like enough. I'm lucky...

George Carlin 's Views on Aging


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you
BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into
the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person,
who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the
next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

man my mom is adorable!!

so, my mom comes home tonight and tells me she bought something for Jana and me for when we go hiking on our own. she proceeds to give me a gag laser shock. I'm not exactly sure what she believed this would do to any possile attacker...when in fact what it does is shock the very person pressing the button. I didn't realize it until I shocked myself. then I just started laughing. the above situation is VERY typical of something my mom would misinterpret.

for instance, I will share two other stories that make me love my mom as much as I do. the first involves my stepdad. when they first moved into our current home, she needed hangers. so the exact words she used to ask Richard to go buy some were as follows, "please go to the store and buy some hookers." hmm, at this point Richard and my mom were not yet married and he must have been thinking they were going to have one open relationship! for any that do not know me, my family is czech so my mom tends to mix up sayings, or really words in general, in the english language. and I wish I'd written all the stuff she's said over the years down b/c they still have me laughing whenever I think of them.

the last example is probably about my favorite. she had brought home some "head gel," thinking to herself that she was giving my sister hair gel. when she handed it to Jana, Jana read the instructions on back and just started cracking up. they went something like this: place some gel either on the tongue or fingers to apply to the head of a penis. or something along those lines. my mom had absolutely no idea. it's still a running joke in the family if she actually does come home with some hair gel.

my mom is a funny woman. I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her as my mother. those are just a few of the stories that are a regular part of any day. gotta love her!

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

Anyone who knows me knows my love of quotes. The one above was given to me by a friend, who seems to have the same appreciation for them as I do.

I took a solo trip up north yesterday. The pic above is my view from the Wildflower patio area in Sedona, where I spent four hours journaling and reading. Most of that time I probably spent just looking around mesmerized by the beauty surrounding me. In my journaling, I'd come to some conclusions. For one, I take the title of this blog very seriously in my life. I've never been one to stand around in the background just wishing for things to happen to me...instead, I find myself chasing and taking opportunities that may be scary in the beginning, but more than worth it in the end. And I have this view in all areas of my life. Be it career, relationships, adventures...I usually dive both feet in and don't bother looking back. Yes, this means I've been burned more times than I want to remember...but I don't regret any of it.

In relationships, I've been told that we attract whatever we're putting out in the universe. I'm not exactly sure what I'm putting out as I seem to find myself in impossible situations more so than not. I hope I'm not completely fvcked in that department ;) Currently, I'm finding myself in an interesting predicament. I like someone. He's an incredible guy. Smart. Funny. Random. Hot. Adventurous. A friend for life. We're both a bit screwed up from past baggage so a friendship is the only option right now. I guess time will tell if that's ever gonna change. But one thing I've learned for sure is that any relationship that started as a friendship carries with it something even more incredible. I've only had that once in my life but he's also the only ex I've stayed friends with because we had a friendship to go back to. So if I'm to stay only friends with this particular individual, I'm grateful for even that! But really, along the lines of missed opportunities, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more.

I've also been thinking a lot about LA. When it'll be a possibility for me to move back. How much do I want on my resume before making the permanent move. Do I want to wait and see if I can get my SAG eligibility. For now, I've found a coach with whom I grow on a weekly basis. I have far from outgrown the opportunities that present themselves here so I will see what this coming audition season brings. My goal of LA still remains February 2008. But this time around I want it to be permanent, so financially I really have to be sure that I'll be able to support myself out there in the long run. I've started looking into areas where I want to live...the top choices remain West Hollywood, Burbank or Studio City (ok, the last one's my top but financially not a probable choice right now). I don't even know what I want to do in terms of the roommate situation...but I guess I've got a few months before I need to figure all of that out. I'm thinking of taking a trip out in the next couple months again...I miss my friends tremendously and need me some ocean time.

I have two auditions coming up this week...since working with Debby, I look forward to rather than fear them...and if that's not a significant step in the right direction, I don't know what is! Wish me luck...

medical mysteries explained!!

so, my whole life I've kinda been a medical mystery. I can't think of all the specifics, but usually when I go to the doctor with some sort of ailment, they tell me they cannot find anything wrong in tests. the last time I can think of that this happened was high school. my lymph nodes were sticking out everywhere and hurt like hell...yet nothing abnormal showed up. so I just had to live with them for a few weeks til they got back to normal.

anyway, long story short...my mom finally explained to me why she thinks I'm a medical mystery...and it all comes down to Chernobyl. I had no idea that it was actually really close to Czech, not to mention that with winds Czech got a lot of the radiation. as a child, my school used to put our beds outside and we would sleep out there, making exposure even more prevalent. my mom didn't want to tell me this as a kid b/c I wouldn't have understood nor did she want to freak me out. who knew?! I hope it doesn't mean too many other crazy ailments in my life...but seriously, at least it all makes sense now. I've never understood why I always seem to come down with something that no doctor can explain!

it is a bit freaky to me. not to mention that I already know that cancer is prevalent in my family so I have to really watch out and get medical check ups regularly b/c really in my mind it's not a matter of if but when. and that may sound pessimistic...not so much. if I know it's coming, I'm at least one of the smarter people who hopes to catch it early and have a good prognosis. I do what I can to make sure my body is free of disease...eat well, exercise (ok, that's not going as well as it should be but I think about working out a lot...maybe that helps, too!) and overall just have a great outlook on life attempting to keep stress to a minimum.

anyway, just thought the above was interesting...at least it was to me. and it explains SO much!

revisiting the past...

wow, last night at work was a blast from the past. saw the person I had a crush on for four years in high school. and by crush, I'm talking slightly obsessed, probably would have done anything to be with him. now, almost ten years later, I realize just how much my taste has changed. it's so funny for me to think back on that time, all the inside jokes that coincide with probably the longest crush of my life, and realize now that I'm happy nothing ever happened. I never really thought I'd ever run into him again...somehow makes me wish I hadn't so I would have been able to keep the fantasy of those four years alive. Oh well.

been a great weekend. Jana got the promotion she so very much deserves. I'm so excited for her, not to mention proud of the fact that she finally believes in herself and had the guts to stand up for herself. so yay, Italy is still most definitely ON!! not that I would have been completely disappointed had that not been the case because I know at some point in my life I'll probably live there...at least for a little while. but, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited in knowing that it's only 11months before my first encounter!!

anyway, much more to write but must get back to the race. will continue later.

strange feeling...

What an interesting day. And by interesting, I'm not necessarily talking good. I went movie hopping today. First saw Evening (do not recommend this to anyone.) Not only was I unimpressed with the acting, I was bored throughout most of the movie with the plot. I went as there were some strong female characters and it's always good to know what's out there in terms of roles I may have had the opportunity to audition for. Big mistake. Needless to say, not one of the better movies I've seen. Next, I went to see Die Hard for the second time it's opening weekend. To any Die Hard fans, I highly recommend it. Definitely my favorite of the four. Not only was it funny (absolutely LOVE Justin Long), there were some great action sequences and Bruce Willis is hotter than ever. Lastly, I ended my movie extraveganza with A Mighty Heart. I was deeply moved by the movie, so much so that I still have tears rolling hours later (this may have to do with the fact that I'm not feeling so hot and it's been an emotional couple of days with my grandma's anniversary and all)...but seriously, go see this movie. I was extremely impressed with Angelina Jolie's portrayal. A well-told memoir of a horrible tragedy. (Yes, I just realized that's a bit redundant because really when is a tragedy not horrible? That's kinda the definition...nevertheless, I will leave the sentence be.)

Now for the strange feeling...I have a feeling of homesickness and yet I'm here. What the hell does that mean? Yes, I'm longing to move back to LA and I also have seriously been considering going to live abroad for awhile...but what is the nonsense of feeling homesick. Perhaps my current temperature (as I do have a bit of a fever) is messing with my head. Have I mentioned I hate being sick?! I'm not a complainer in most instances (even when sick) but when my entire body aches and I have goosebumps no matter what I do, leaves plenty for me not to be happy about (I think my current state is also messing with my writing because I'm sure it was in elementary school that I learned not to end a sentence with a preposition. And this is my second in such a short post. Awe well.)

So I leave this with a few comments. Go see A Mighty Heart and send get well thoughts my way as I hope whatever is ailing me passes by tomorrow. And if you're really feeling compassionate, perhaps bring me some vegetarian soup ;) Much appreciated!